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So. Its been such a while, but im going to share with you a
part of my life.
Before I begin, im going to start a tradition…
Im going to always share ONE funny, unusual thing that
happened during the day and to be honest ONE hard/ struggle I am going through
or ONE HUGE important lesson I learned that day….
So starting today, here I go:
ONE FUNNY:
There was a
Caucasian student in my class with a plastic Star Wars lunch box. He had it
beside him. And I had to smile at the box for the longest time… Elementary kids
don’t even carry those around anymore (… I THINK? ) and he had one… THAT made
my day.
ONE LESSON/ STRUGGLE:
Relationships
are a FOREVER learning process.
But, since I want to share a bit of life of Hannah jang for
the past 2 months of her life, I will have to expand on the lesson/ struggle
part.
Honestly. Relationships are the
HARDEST in life because PEOPLE are the HARDEST to deal with. Some realizations I
found about people and myself are very interesting. So simple yet so true.
So people are humans. And humans
are the most IMPERFECT beings in life. We make mistakes after mistakes,
assumptions after assumptions, judgments after judgments, ETC… all in a cycle
over and over again.
If I were God, id be SOOOOOOOOO
irritated and hate the species of homo sapiens. Yes. The homo sapiens may be
the “wisest” mammals, but sometimes, they cant even use the information they
know properly.
So, one realization and reminder
that I got during the past two months of my life, is that yes, i have to accept
myself.
Some people (leaders and friends) told me that I don’t love
myself. Which I kind of agreed not with… because I am always trying to reach
perfection. And when I am not that perfect person, I push myself down for not
being that person (i.e “ not kind enough” or “too sensitive” or “not loving
enough” etc… the list goes ONNNNN) I want to be.
And Debbie at church said, “REFINING.
If you were perfect, you’d be God. And the last time I checked, there was only
one God…”
Hehehe.. so true and hilarious and simple. Yea? I realized
that the worst/ most harsh critics are our own selves. I definitely agree with
that.
So anyway, when people told me that I didn’t love myself, I realized
I didn’t. I kept trying to CHANGE who I was…who God made me…
But you know why I wanted to
change? (ie, not be sensitive but be stronger emotionally or love everyone even
those who you cant… etc) it was because OTHER PEOPLE criticized me and judged
me. Yes, some people have directly said it to my face in a negative manner, “Hannah,
you’re too sensitive. Towards other people and within yourself. You change
emotions quickly.”
And so, I tried SO hard not to cry… even during prayer or
when sad movies were shown. Or when I was so touched by a message I heard, I tried
not to cry…
You know what? I wanted to please
those people who called me sensitive so I fought that comment by not being sensitive….
See! I didn’t love myself. i should have taken it better… accept that comment
to help refine my sensitivity. But I took extreme measures.
This is but ONE example of what
character I didn’t like about myself.
BUT… I really embrace it… fine im sensitive. You can call me
sensitive all you want… but you know what? That’s ONE quality perhaps someone
else doesn’t have but wants. Or it’s a quality that God has given to me to use
to bless others.
And the fact that we all don’t get
along with EVERYONE else is fine. Yes, sometimes I wish that I could love
everyone and everyone can love me. Its impossible. Some people are just immature
and are blinded by judgments and assumptions. But what can I do?
I can still accept them for their imperfections but not hate
them and be on their same level. And some people are just more comfortable with
other people. I wouldn’t want the whole world to be my best friend. Dang… id
DIE trying to spend time with EVERYONE…. So yea….
Im appreciating my close friends. I
wont mention their names. You KNOW who you are. And those that im not too close
with: WHY EXPECT that same level with them? I guess right now, im trying to
accept them and love them even if they have hurt me and messed up my
expectations….
OH DEAR… ANOTHER epiphany… I LOVE
writing and reading. I should major in ENGLISH!! Hehe to improve my grammar
skills. I am going to write a book one day. Help me, Lord! Hehe.
So the thing is NOW I understand this one person from the
summer of my freshmen YEAR!!!!!!! He had expectations on me, but when I didn’t meet
them, he treated me LIKE CRAP. That EVERYONE around us knew that he had a
problem with me… HAHAHAHHAHAA….
So now I see.
I CANT BE THE SAME
WAY. Just cuz someone doesnt meet my expectations I cant treat them HORRIBLY…
cuz dude… that really hurt and felt really bad…. Sigh***
So… Im in the process of healing
and being refined to become a better person. There have been people who have
hurt me intentionally or not, and there are people I probably hurt
intentionally or not, BUT… I want to love them. I can honestly say that maybe I
do not right now. But I don’t hate them. Im in the process of accepting them
for who they are even after the pain AND of loving them and being “normal”
again.
This process takes TIME.
I know this whole journal thing may
be a “what the hEck….” entry for some people… but hrm… I think those who
understand will understand. And those who do not… maybe you don’t know me
enough. Which is fine. Or im just very unclear. which maybe is the case.
But I wanted to write all this… I guess ill share more when
it comes to me… or you can ask me if you have any questions… but for now.. this
is all I can write… its 2 pages single spaced on Word…. Wow….
1Therefore, since we have been
justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord
Jesus Christ, 2through whom
we have gained access by faith into this
grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we
know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom
he has given us. à Romans 5:1-5 (emphasis mine)
Ive been surrounded in a group/ with people that indirectly
promote rewards and commending. SO…. As Christians, we are called to live a
certain way and to do certain things… sometimes naturally and sometimes with
training and effort. These are things we should do and should be doing. And when
we get rewarded for doing something we have to do, our intrinsic motivation is
not active anymore. Instead, we hunger and thirst for the rewards and
commending. In this case, we LOSE the focus of WHO we are and what we are
called to do.
Yes… and ive been guilty of this. Why desire the praises of
man when God himself is the Righteous Judge?
His judgments ALONE matter… so why care so much for others? See…
I was struggling with that. I think A LOT of people are… YEAP…
SO REMINDER:
HUNGER AND THIRST FOR
RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled. Matthew 5:6 (emphasis mine)
Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil.
Romans
14:16
Hehehe….. I like someone. And there is nothing wrong with
that… =)
Ive come to a point where I know humans will be humans. Im one
too. And that… relationships are so difficult. People will disappoint you
ALWAYs. But God is SO faithful. And because He loved us, we love Him and we CAN
love others. I don’t think I can love everyone in this world… but its fine. Im not
God. But im going to try to anyway… (not to the point where it stresses me out
and makes me hate myself for not being able to… ) hehee..
LIFE GOES ON………………………………………..
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